I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
