I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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