Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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