3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
