ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
