I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
