Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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