I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
