Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
