I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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