My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
you had me at cake vodka
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
