Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
