Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
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