I just threw up on my dentist
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
