OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
