i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
cat food counts as protein by the way
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
