i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
