Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
