I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
