try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
