and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
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