I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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