I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I want her autograph on my taint
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
