i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Randomize
