Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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