Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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