You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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