you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
