I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
