Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
