I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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