I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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