My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
God, I missed his penis.
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