My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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