Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
PANTIES FOUND
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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