I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
