Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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