No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
