There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
