I should be sponsored by Trojan
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
it was like having sex with a tree stump
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Randomize
