I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
