Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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