Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
