I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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