so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
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