Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
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