"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize