I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
