Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
