I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
