I'm lost and stupid without you.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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