Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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