you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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