Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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