Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Randomize
