Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
