mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
