Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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