remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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