how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
