Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Dicks are not precious.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
