those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
