dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
