I'm sorry my penis didn't work
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Im part way to drunk.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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